marriage Archives - Randomly Focused

Compete for your Spouse

Pretty much every married man competed for his wife at some point. The things we were willing to do to get her attention, affection, and love were limitless. (I can’t tell you how many episodes of “Friends” I’ve watched. P.S. Love you babe.)

Somewhere along the way, however, it gets easy to be comfortable in marriage. We stop fighting for attention, affection, and love — we take it for granted. That lose of fight can lead to a slow fade away from intimacy.

Now, it’s a tricky balance, because on one hand, you want to be confident in your marriage and it’s great to have a comfortable marriage, but on the other hand, the lack of fight for your spouse can make them feel unwanted, unneeded, and unloved. (You don’t want that.)

So how do you keep competing for that love after many years together?

One of the things my wife did for me at Christmas last year was a great example of this. It was a pack of 12 envelopes that she had created. Each envelope contained a special date for each month of the year. She spent the time to figure out 12 different dates and every month, I get to open an envelope and we get to go a fun date together. It’s awesome and it’s a reminder every month that after 13 years together, she’s still fighting for our love. That means the world to me and makes me want to keep fighting for her.

What can you do to show your spouse that you are still competing for them, even if you don’t have to?

Marriage & Great Sex

When you think about sex and marriage, what do you think?

If you listen to the culture, you think sex in marriage means boring and rare. And the truth is, for many marriages, that’s the reality. The same person for life? Really? Yes, really.

There are three things that most often cause fights and often leads to divorce in marriage: Money, In-laws, and Sex.

Sex in marriage needs a makeover.

Spend a little time watching evening TV or modern movies. Who’s having all the “good” sex? The couples that have been married years? No. It’s those cheating on their spouses or couples magically thrown together, but not married.

Now, I’m not saying that we should be watching married couples having sex anymore than we should be watching non-married couples having sex. But the fact is, most of the time, those with great sex lives are not those that are married.

This image is especially true in the Christian community. After all, Christians are prudes and just want to have sex to make babies, right?

Let’s be real, Christian men and women want, need, and desire sex just as much as non-Christians. But here’s the thing; Christians have a unique perspective and should have BETTER sex as a result. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. Yes, married Christians should be having better sex than non-Christians. If you don’t believe me, then go read your Bible.

God made sex. He invented it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s more impressive than creating the rest of the Universe. Seriously though, when he created the Universe, there was only one thing he said was not “good” and that was for man to be alone. God made man and woman to go together. Or as I explained to our oldest son, “He made us like puzzle pieces.”

He didn’t just make sex in order to make babies. He made it to feel good, and He made it to create intimacy. He made it to bring husband and wife together as one. Literally.

I’ve not met a married couple that has not struggled with this at some point or another. It’s a big deal. It’s worth talking through. It’s worth figuring out.

So let’s get practical. You’re married, but you’re having boring sex or you’ve forgotten what sex is. You need to change that and you need a plan. Men, this is your responsibility.

I know what you’re thinking: “This is not my problem. I’d do it anytime.” But it is your problem. It is your marriage.

Here are some ideas that I hope will help.

1. Read the “The 5 Love Languages” by Steve Chapman together – as husband and wife. Read it aloud, one chapter at a time, and talk through each chapter. LEARN how to love each other. I don’t just mean sex here, but that’s a piece of the puzzle.

2. Read “Real Marriage” by Pastor Mark and Grace Driscoll (or watch the messages online) together. This book gets into some nitty-gritty and could bring up some serious issues, but it’s worth it.

3. TALK! Get real with each other. Talk about the things that make it great for you or make it difficult for you. Talk about things you want to try and don’t want to try. Men, be gentle and graceful with your wives. They deserve it.

4. Stop the blame game. It’s not her fault or his fault. It’s YOUR MARRIAGE and it’s worth fighting for in all things TOGETHER – including, and especially, sex.

5. Make time for it. Seriously, put it on the schedule if you have to. I know this doesn’t sound very romantic and certainly isn’t in the movies. But once you get things moving, you’ll forget it was on the schedule in the first place. Make time for it like you do a thousand other things every day. Just do it. Literally.

6. Date each other. Date nights are easier for some than others. Money, schedules, and kids make it difficult. But find a way. Even if it means a picnic in the living room after the kids go to bed (or as we call it, “date night in”). Or make a schedule with another couple where you watch each other’s kids every other week, so that you can date your spouse. Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom – acknowledge that and love each other even before getting under the sheets.

7. Stop the “point’s system.” Marriage is NOT about a point system. It is not. I did XYZ and so now you need to do ABC. There may be people somewhere in the world that this works for, but for most couples I’ve seen, it rarely does. There are times when one spouse is much busier than the other. And times when one person is much more stressed out than the other. That’s the point of marriage – it’s a shared burden of life. It’s a shared responsibility. It’s not 3 points for you and 1 point for me. Give 100% to the person God gave you as often as possible. Always be asking, “What can I do for them today?” and it will change your marriage. Most likely this won’t be an instant change, but it can be huge over time.

8. Pray WITH each other. If you’re not comfortable praying aloud together, then start out by praying silently. Men, LEAD! Pray over your wife and for your marriage. Eventually, get comfortable praying aloud together. Hold hands, be close, and act like you’re married!

9. Pray FOR each other. It’s very difficult to be mad at someone who you’re constantly praying for. It’s very difficult to hold a grudge against someone who you’re always taking to God about. SO PRAY for your spouse every single day. Make a habit of it and it can change your marriage for the better.

10. Most importantly, “Look to God!” God is not a prude. Go read the Song of Solomon. There is some wild stuff in there, and it’s not about your relationship with God. It’s about two married people loving each other 100 percent.

The bottom line is this; sex in marriage does NOT need to be boring or rare. In fact, it should (and can) be better than anything else out there. This is the person who you’ve committed to for better or worse, so get intimate together.

Each couple has their own issues to work through when it comes to sex, and it can be very complex. But it is so worth the work. Men, fight for the love of your wife like you did when you wanted her to marry you. But fight for her in all things, not just to get her in bed.

Success

There are so many ways to define success and I think it can be different for everyone.

For me, success would be that one day someone would ask our children what the best thing their Father ever did for them was and I hope they would say something like this: “He led me to Jesus and he loved my mother relentlessly, passionately, and unconditionally.”

If I do anything in life, I hope that is the legacy I leave. And further, that they would lead their children to Jesus and love their wives in the same way they hopefully see me love their mother.

For me, that would be success.

What’s your definition of success?

10 Things I’ve Learned From 10 Years of Marriage

It’s not all about me.
Children are important, but my wife is more important.
The closer we get to God, the closer we get to each other.
Date nights are not optional.
The night is darkest just before the dawn. Wait for the sun to rise.
Never go to bed angry — but don’t fight tired either.
Love like THEY need to be loved, not how you want to be loved.
Family and friends are critical — but the marriage is ALWAYS #1.
Marriage is not 50/50 — it’s 100/100.
“God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” Rom 8:28

Marriage is like landscaping…

I believe that the greatest danger facing our nation is not health care, or the economy, or Barrack Obama, or Nancy Pelosi, or the “vast right-wing conspiracy.” I believe the greatest danger facing our nation is the loss of family.

Marriage and families are no longer the sacred treasures that they once were. Mother’s no longer care for their children, Father’s often forsake their families for their own fantasies, and no one seems to mind. Children leave for school early in the morning and return home in the afternoon with a key and an empty house. All this and we wonder why our nation is depressed, in violence, and unstable.

We have forsaken family dinner for fast food and convenience. We have forsaken our marriages for “individualism” and “personal freedom”. There are consequences for our actions as a nation. We, as a nation, live well beyond our means and as a result, most people work longer and harder than they should, often forgetting what is most important… family.

With all of the current chaos in our world, I am reminded that if everything was stripped from us, our homes, our cars, our “things” that we love so much – we would be left with just ourselves, our family, and our God.

We need a REVOLUTION. Not a revolution where we fight a government with guns, but one where we rebuild our families with more than just words. Play together, laugh together, cry together, eat together, and just be together.

If the Father’s of this nation would stand up and be MEN, we would be far better off in the future. Not just men that go to work and drop off a pay check on Friday, but men that are the rock of their family, men that would lead their family to God, and men that provide for the needs of their wives and children by more than just finances.

Children NEED a mother and a father that love them and guide them. They have plenty of friends, what they need is parents. Parents who are willing to make tough decisions for their futures and provide a stable foundation for them to grow up on.

I don’t pretend for a moment that my family is perfect. I get angry at my children far too often and I am selfish. I write these words as much for myself as for anyone else. I pray that TOGETHER, Claire and I are able to raise modern day knights in our boys. We will stumble and we will make mistakes, but when I said ’til death do we part, I meant it. And if I ever stray from that, please be bold enough to remind me.

My prayer today, for our nation, is that our families are strengthened through tough times and that we are reminded of what really matters in life. In a footer of her e-mail, my sister Kari reminded me that Billy Graham once said “Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys.” My hope is that the current valleys in our nation produce much fruit.