Randomly Focused

When you think about sex and marriage, what do you think? 

If you listen to the culture, you think sex in marriage means boring and rare. And the truth is, for many marriages, that’s the reality. The same person for life? Really? Yes, really.

There are three things that most often cause fights and often leads to divorce in marriage: Money, In-laws, and Sex.

Sex in marriage needs a makeover.

Spend a little time watching evening TV or modern movies. Who’s having all the “good” sex? The couples that have been married years? No. It’s those cheating on their spouses or couples magically thrown together, but not married.

Now, I’m not saying that we should be watching married couples having sex anymore than we should be watching non-married couples having sex. But the fact is, most of the time, those with great sex lives are not those that are married.

This image is especially true in the Christian community. After all, Christians are prudes and just want to have sex to make babies, right?

Let’s be real, Christian men and women want, need, and desire sex just as much as non-Christians. But here’s the thing; Christians have a unique perspective and should have BETTER sex as a result. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. Yes, married Christians should be having better sex than non-Christians. If you don’t believe me, then go read your Bible.

God made sex. He invented it. As far as I’m concerned, that’s more impressive than creating the rest of the Universe. Seriously though, when he created the Universe, there was only one thing he said was not “good” and that was for man to be alone. God made man and woman to go together. Or as I explained to our oldest son, “He made us like puzzle pieces.”

He didn’t just make sex in order to make babies. He made it to feel good, and He made it to create intimacy. He made it to bring husband and wife together as one. Literally. 

I’ve not met a married couple that has not struggled with this at some point or another. It’s a big deal. It’s worth talking through. It’s worth figuring out.

So let’s get practical. You’re married, but you’re having boring sex or you’ve forgotten what sex is. You need to change that and you need a plan. Men, this is your responsibility.

I know what you’re thinking: “This is not my problem. I’d do it anytime.” But it is your problem. It is your marriage.

Here are some ideas that I hope will help.

1. Read the “The 5 Love Languages” by Steve Chapman together – as husband and wife. Read it aloud, one chapter at a time, and talk through each chapter. LEARN how to love each other. I don’t just mean sex here, but that’s a piece of the puzzle.

2. Read “Real Marriage” by Pastor Mark and Grace Driscoll (or watch the messages online) together. This book gets into some nitty-gritty and could bring up some serious issues, but it’s worth it.

3. TALK! Get real with each other. Talk about the things that make it great for you or make it difficult for you. Talk about things you want to try and don’t want to try. Men, be gentle and graceful with your wives. They deserve it.

4. Stop the blame game. It’s not her fault or his fault. It’s YOUR MARRIAGE and it’s worth fighting for in all things TOGETHER – including, and especially, sex.

5. Make time for it. Seriously, put it on the schedule if you have to. I know this doesn’t sound very romantic and certainly isn’t in the movies. But once you get things moving, you’ll forget it was on the schedule in the first place. Make time for it like you do a thousand other things every day. Just do it. Literally.

6. Date each other. Date nights are easier for some than others. Money, schedules, and kids make it difficult. But find a way. Even if it means a picnic in the living room after the kids go to bed (or as we call it, “date night in”). Or make a schedule with another couple where you watch each other’s kids every other week, so that you can date your spouse. Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom – acknowledge that and love each other even before getting under the sheets.

7. Stop the “point’s system.” Marriage is NOT about a point system. It is not. I did XYZ and so now you need to do ABC. There may be people somewhere in the world that this works for, but for most couples I’ve seen, it rarely does. There are times when one spouse is much busier than the other. And times when one person is much more stressed out than the other. That’s the point of marriage – it’s a shared burden of life. It’s a shared responsibility. It’s not 3 points for you and 1 point for me. Give 100% to the person God gave you as often as possible. Always be asking, “What can I do for them today?” and it will change your marriage. Most likely this won’t be an instant change, but it can be huge over time.

8. Pray WITH each other. If you’re not comfortable praying aloud together, then start out by praying silently. Men, LEAD! Pray over your wife and for your marriage. Eventually, get comfortable praying aloud together. Hold hands, be close, and act like you’re married!

9. Pray FOR each other. It’s very difficult to be mad at someone who you’re constantly praying for. It’s very difficult to hold a grudge against someone who you’re always taking to God about. SO PRAY for your spouse every single day. Make a habit of it and it can change your marriage for the better.

10. Most importantly, “Look to God!” God is not a prude. Go read the Song of Solomon. There is some wild stuff in there, and it’s not about your relationship with God. It’s about two married people loving each other 100 percent.

The bottom line is this; sex in marriage does NOT need to be boring or rare. In fact, it should (and can) be better than anything else out there. This is the person who you’ve committed to for better or worse, so get intimate together.

Each couple has their own issues to work through when it comes to sex, and it can be very complex. But it is so worth the work. Men, fight for the love of your wife like you did when you wanted her to marry you. But fight for her in all things, not just to get her in bed.